gugmang giatay

fallen into the abyss again

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

yeah, life is a wheel, a circle, a cycle. i was happy for a few months, maybe. But now, i’m miserable again. i really can’t stay happy for a long time, can i? the thing is i don’t think i deserve this feeling.

i guess you already know Spook. well, he was the reason that i was happy. i had hoped and wished that i already found “the One”. I even pictured myself already in a house wth a lawn with my kids and Spook. Then all of sudden, the wheel turned. Spook is the reason I’m depressed. Ironic, huh? maybe I’m met to be alone and miserable my whole life? maybe he’s not yet “the One”? a lot of maybes. All I’m sure of is that i’m pretty hurt. If words can only express the pain inside, i would have had wrote it here a thousand times.

I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

This is THE song I’ve always wanted to hear from a guy. Maybe I’ll ask God if He could make this as a sign. If a guy sings this for me while staring into my eyes, he will be the person I’ll be with for the rest of my life. –Nah, too childish. Regardless of what purpose the song will serve, I just simply love hearing this.

Lying here with you,
Listenin’ to the rain,
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face,
These are the moments,
I thank God I’m alive,
These are the moments,
I’ll remember all my life,
I found all I’ve waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need,
Everything you are,
Is everything to me,
These are the moments,
I know heaven must exist,
These are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I’ve waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have’s come true,
Yeah right here in this moment,
Is right where I’m meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

These are the moments,
I thank God I’m alive,
These are the moments,
I’ll remember all my life,
I’ve got all I’ve waited for,
And I could not ask for more. . .

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have’s come true,
And right here in this moment,
Is right where I’m meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it’s all I’ve waited for . . .
And I could not ask for more,
I could not ask for more.

I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

These are the moments,
I thank God I’m alive,
These are the moments,
I’ll remember all my life,
I’ve got all I’ve waited for,
And I could not ask for more. . .

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it’s all I’ve waited for . . .
And I could not ask for more,
I could not ask for more.

…

Sunday, June 24th, 2007

Why is love so hard to find and so fragile to hold?

my knights in shining armour

Sunday, January 14th, 2007

when i was a little girl (i’m still little but not a girl anymore), i have always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. someone who would sweep me off my feet and take all my worries. now that i’m a bit mature, i’ve realized that it’s hard to hope for that romance. it’s disappointing and frustrating.

however, maybe things come when you least expect them. i am in manila, broke and hopeless. but 3 people helped me and encouraged me to still stand up and fight. let’s call them Pocholo, Singkit and Doc.

Pochollo picked me up last night from taft avenue corner buendia. i was supposed to go to malate and meet him up. my plan was to go to taft ave corner edsa and ride a jeep there going to malate. but wow, there was a swarm of people (i think they were people going home to the province since it was a saturday night and people who watched the pyro-lympics in sm mall of asia). vehicles could not move because of the traffic jam and i could not take a taxi nor a jeep. so i walked until i reached buendia. still, there were a lot of people and no chance of getting a taxi. it was already 1 a.m. i wanted to cry and just go home (of course, by walking). then he told me to wait and he will pick me up. and in no time, there he was, in his walking shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers and comforting smile. Pochollo was a gentleman the whole time, staying at the danger side, opening doors for me, and asking if i’m okay.

Singkit is a normal guy trying to be very good guy. he tried to protect me from himself. hahaha! i don’t know if that makes sense.

now, Doc, even if he’s very busy, tries so much to spend time with me. he offered options and his help even if he has a lot of problems, himself.

i’ve never met a knight in shining armour before. the cynical me would have said that there’s no such thing or person. i had been so sure before that no guy could ever be like that. but i am so glad that i’m wrong.

Puppy Love

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

It was the summer of 2004. I was in Metro Manila that time, working for a call center in Makati. It was lonely for me to be in a strange big city. I couldn’t go out with my friends since they didn’t have the same rest day as I had. So I spent my time going to the mall and surfing the Internet and chatting.

I met "Michael" in the IRC. I don’t remember which channel it was or what we had talked about. But somehow, we exchanged numbers and began sending messages to each other. I knew then that he’s in Batanggas, visiting his grandmother. We planned several times to meet in a mall in Makati but he couldn’t leave his granny.

The time came when I realized I was pregnant. Well, actually, I already knew I was pregnant because I didn’t have my period for 3 straight months then. I had just been too scared to accept it since no one was there for me. The father of my baby was not there because we broke off before I flew to Manila. Or rather, he broke off with me because he fell for another girl.

It was a double hit for me. I was so down that I thought of taking my own life and the life of my baby. Yet Michael was there, still texting despite knowing that I was pregnant. He urged me to live my life and tell my parents about. So I did. And as expected, it was a bomb for them.

I went home feeling lost, useless and worthless. Every night beside my sisters, I cry myself to sleep. Michael was the only person who can make me smile.

A couple of days after I arrived in Cebu, he told me that he was also in Cebu. He was taking his review classes here for the board exams. He is from Iloilo so Cebu was a practical choice for his studies. He asked if he could go to our province, which was an hour away from Cebu City, so he could meet me. I never expected that he would, but I certainly hoped.

And he did. He texted me that he was already in the church where I instructed him to go. I was a bit shocked that he was able to get there since it was his first time in Cebu. So I quickly headed there. "Michael" was already 23 years old at that time but I saw a lanky young man with hair divided in the middle. He looked younger than his age. We talked a bit and decided to start walking to our house. I thought he didn’t bring a bag or anything but he rushed to the candle house and got his bag, a plastic and something covered in newspaper. On the way to the house he gave me the plastic bag and the thing covered in newspaper.

"What’s this?" I asked.

"Just open it," he urged.

It was an arrangement of yellow roses in a box which looked like a small coffin.

That was the first time I received flowers. I was already half expecting to see flowers inside but that didn’t hinder me from feeling wonderful. I don’t know how else to describe what I felt. It was just wonderful.

"You’re blushing," he commented.

I was indignant on saying, "No. I don’t know how to blush!" But he laughed at me.

In the plastic bag were several boxes of peanut kisses so I asked if he went to Bohol. He said that he just saw them in the grocery of Gasaino South and thought that my sisters and I might like them.

I served him a plateful of pancit canton that I cooked and a plate of rice. I was surprised to see later that he downed them all. He couldn’t believe that I was the one who cooked the pancit. We talked in our living room after he ate. We talked about anything under the sun.

It was already at 5PM when I advised him to go since it would be difficult to get a V-hire if he’d go much later. On our way out of the compound, we passed by my mom who was at the neighbor’s yard. He went near my mom and explained that he knew about my situation and that he is there as my friend. Imagine, my anxiety at that moment. No guy was ever brave enough to approach my mom.

I ended up going with him to the town since I still wanted to be with him. We bought bread and a bottle of Coke each at a food shop near the terminal.

"Can I ask you a favor?" he asked

"Sure, what is it?" I was happy to oblige.

"Can I court you? But promise me you won’t have me, you won’t say yes." It was a weird request.

"Why would you still want to court me if I won’t say yes? Besides, I don’t want to fall for you."

"Yeah. You’re right." He agreed but he looked at me as if he was telling me something through his eyes.

After our talk, he needed to go or he’d miss the van. So we said our good byes.

It’s ironic that the next time that we met was only because of my pre-natal check up. My tummy wasn’t that big at that time. I would have to stay in a friend’s apartment the night before the check up since I had to be early in the hospital. He would be there and then we would talk. we’d sit near the door way for the apartment and he’d lay his head on my shoulders or on my lap. I felt young and vulnerable at that time. The moment was painfully sweet. I almost wished it would last forever.

I took him to the gate when he was about to go home. Then he asked, "Can I ask for something?"

"What’s that?" I wondered.

"Can I kiss you?" I was a bit surprised but I know in my heart I hoped for that.

"Well, okay." I stood stiff as I was waiting for the kiss. Then he kissed my cheek and got out of the gate as quickly as he could. It took me minutes to register what had happened. I was expecting a kiss on the lips but he kissed me at my cheeks! Then I laughed my heart out. It wasn’t what I expected but it sure was damn sweet. That memory made me sleep that night with a smile on my face.

The last time we met, we just spent out time holding each other’s hands. He was hugging me. He wanted to talk to me about what we feel. Then in the end we both decided to just accept that we can’t really be. We felt that it was the end of what we had.

I cried so much that night because it hurt. I couldn’t explain what hurt me, but the hurt, somehow, reached my physical body because there was a physical pain on my chest.

I had loved the father of my child. He became my everything at one point in my life. What I felt for "Michael" wasn’t that intense as my love for the father. However it became my source of strength when I needed it most. It was childish but wonderful. And I know that no matter whoever comes into my life, I would never forget "Michael".

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gugmang giatay

fallen into the abyss again

I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

…

my knights in shining armour

Puppy Love