Bisaya Bloggers

I'm already 25. Most people consider this the marrying age. I am ready, yes. And God knows that it is my secret wish to have a family of my own with 2 or 3 kids, living in a two-storey house with a great lawn and a white fence. You may include a cute dog as a pet in the picture and 2 cars (1 for me to bring the kids to school and for my husband to go to work).

But somehow, I do not know if my personality fits the wish. I can never be a housewife or a soccer mom with my strong and competetive personality. When I think about me managing a big company, I find it more plausible than having a perfect family life.

i never thought that happiness like this could be possible. i feel so blessed and alive. maybe 2008 is really a good year for me.

i'm dating someone who treats me the way i want to be treated. he's the most caring guy i've met. he pampers me even if i resist. he makes me feel special. finally a guy who likes me more than i like him.

also, i've been performing well at work and my boss has praised me several times. she even said, "you're very reliable". and as a result of hard work, patience and passion with what i do, i was certified as a trainer in our company last april 21. and i was the first trainer to be certified. of course, the certification also deals with an increase (shhhh... don't tell my parents.). i will be feeling the increase the next pay day which is next week!

and beginning this week, i am undergoing Series 7 training. there will be a qualifying exam and i have every intention to pass. which reminds me now to study... See you later!

i never thought that happiness like this could be possible. i feel so blessed and alive. maybe 2008 is really a good year for me.

i'm dating someone who treats me the way i want to be treated. he's the most caring guy i've met. he pampers me even if i resist. he makes me feel special. finally a guy who likes me more than i like him.

also, i've been performing well at work and my boss has praised me several times. she even said, "you're very reliable". and as a result of hard work, patience and passion with what i do, i was certified as a trainer in our company last april 21. and i was the first trainer to be certified. of course, the certification also deals with an increase (shhhh... don't tell my parents.). i will be feeling the increase the next pay day which is next week!

and beginning this week, i am undergoing Series 7 training. there will be a qualifying exam and i have every intention to pass. which reminds me now to study... See you later!

There goes my weekend. *sigh* Can I just say that it's too short? I know everyone will agree. Well, it has been productive. I was able to go to an acquaintance's birthday celebration (no booze for me), send a boxful of toys and magazines, watch a good movie and go to a doctor for a check up.

I won't be really writing about my weekend. It's about being the "guy magnet" again over the weekend. So it started, rather continued, when I went to Marikina for a birthday celebration. I didn't really know where they live so i just rode a cab and asked the driver to take me to Marikina Riverbank. I guess I was really unlucky because I ran out of load. I just decided to call the gf of the celebrant through a pay phone  in a 7 11 store to let them pick me up. While I was waiting for them, a guy started to ask for the time and he added, "Pauwi ka na?".

I just answered a short no and gave him an intimidating look.

"Saan ka papunta?"  he asked again.

"To a friend's house." I answered with an irritated tone.

"Samahan kita? Ako pala si ... (I forgot the name hehehe.)" Wow! He's makulit. I know the that he wouldn't stop so I decided to wait inside the store.

When I thought that he was gone, I went out to wait. Then another guy talked to me.

"Saan ka, miss?" the taxi driver asked.

"May susundo po sa akin." I just gave him a direct answer because I don't want to deal with another makulit. 

"Eh nagtatanong lang. Baka kako pwede ka naming ihatid." he answered. Whaaat?! He will be with another person when he would bring me to my destination? Scary! Good thing, the couple arrived.

There were some unlucky instances before we reached the celebrant's house (like car not starting). So when we arrived, most of the people were already drunk. There was this big guy who probably had a quarrel with his gf. Let's call him Shrek. He offered to take me home. I agreed because I thought he was trustworthy. When we were on our way, we decided to drop by the riverbank. I wanted to make a stop over because I was afraid that we might meet an accident with the way he was driving. We walked for a while and talked. But he tried to make his move on kissing me. Luckily, I was able to duck. What a jerk! We were talking about his gf and how a family must stay together and he tried to do that? And he didn't stop there. He still tried for the second time. I couldn't just slap him because I know it will embarrass him. I want him to realize his mistakes, not slap him his mistakes. Then again, I guess I should have slapped him because he was already asking me to go to a motel with him. WTF! I thought Shrek was a good guy but I was proven wrong. He is an OGRE inside out. When he was being makulit on going to a motel, I bitched out and told him I'll take a cab. So he brought me home. But I guess he couldn't realize that I was already irritated since he still asked me if he could stay in my place for the night. I gave him one of my fake smiles and said, "Bye!". Then I crossed the street.

I guess I don't want to hang out with the group anymore. There goes my social life. The "guy magnet" doesn't have a social life anymore. It should have been fine if I just attract the good ones, but the unfortunate Amor only attracts the rotten ones.

There goes my weekend. *sigh* Can I just say that it's too short? I know everyone will agree. Well, it has been productive. I was able to go to an acquaintance's birthday celebration (no booze for me), send a boxful of toys and magazines, watch a good movie and go to a doctor for a check up.

I won't be really writing about my weekend. It's about being the "guy magnet" again over the weekend. So it started, rather continued, when I went to Marikina for a birthday celebration. I didn't really know where they live so i just rode a cab and asked the driver to take me to Marikina Riverbank. I guess I was really unlucky because I ran out of load. I just decided to call the gf of the celebrant through a pay phone  in a 7 11 store to let them pick me up. While I was waiting for them, a guy started to ask for the time and he added, "Pauwi ka na?".

I just answered a short no and gave him an intimidating look.

"Saan ka papunta?"  he asked again.

"To a friend's house." I answered with an irritated tone.

"Samahan kita? Ako pala si ... (I forgot the name hehehe.)" Wow! He's makulit. I know the that he wouldn't stop so I decided to wait inside the store.

When I thought that he was gone, I went out to wait. Then another guy talked to me.

"Saan ka, miss?" the taxi driver asked.

"May susundo po sa akin." I just gave him a direct answer because I don't want to deal with another makulit. 

"Eh nagtatanong lang. Baka kako pwede ka naming ihatid." he answered. Whaaat?! He will be with another person when he would bring me to my destination? Scary! Good thing, the couple arrived.

There were some unlucky instances before we reached the celebrant's house (like car not starting). So when we arrived, most of the people were already drunk. There was this big guy who probably had a quarrel with his gf. Let's call him Shrek. He offered to take me home. I agreed because I thought he was trustworthy. When we were on our way, we decided to drop by the riverbank. I wanted to make a stop over because I was afraid that we might meet an accident with the way he was driving. We walked for a while and talked. But he tried to make his move on kissing me. Luckily, I was able to duck. What a jerk! We were talking about his gf and how a family must stay together and he tried to do that? And he didn't stop there. He still tried for the second time. I couldn't just slap him because I know it will embarrass him. I want him to realize his mistakes, not slap him his mistakes. Then again, I guess I should have slapped him because he was already asking me to go to a motel with him. WTF! I thought Shrek was a good guy but I was proven wrong. He is an OGRE inside out. When he was being makulit on going to a motel, I bitched out and told him I'll take a cab. So he brought me home. But I guess he couldn't realize that I was already irritated since he still asked me if he could stay in my place for the night. I gave him one of my fake smiles and said, "Bye!". Then I crossed the street.

I guess I don't want to hang out with the group anymore. There goes my social life. The "guy magnet" doesn't have a social life anymore. It should have been fine if I just attract the good ones, but the unfortunate Amor only attracts the rotten ones.

This is THE song I've always wanted to hear from a guy. Maybe I'll ask God if He could make this as a sign. If a guy sings this for me while staring into my eyes, he will be the person I'll be with for the rest of my life. --Nah, too childish. Regardless of what purpose the song will serve, I just simply love hearing this.

Lying here with you,
Listenin' to the rain,
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face,
These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I found all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need,
Everything you are,
Is everything to me,
These are the moments,
I know heaven must exist,
These are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
Yeah right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I've got all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more. . .

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
And right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it's all I've waited for . . .
And I could not ask for more,
I could not ask for more.

This is THE song I've always wanted to hear from a guy. Maybe I'll ask God if He could make this as a sign. If a guy sings this for me while staring into my eyes, he will be the person I'll be with for the rest of my life. --Nah, too childish. Regardless of what purpose the song will serve, I just simply love hearing this.

Lying here with you,
Listenin' to the rain,
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face,
These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I found all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need,
Everything you are,
Is everything to me,
These are the moments,
I know heaven must exist,
These are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
Yeah right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I've got all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more. . .

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
And right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it's all I've waited for . . .
And I could not ask for more,
I could not ask for more.

I watched this movie last Tuesday with a colleague. The story was just simple and predictable- a girl who never said no to a request from her friends and family and who was always daydreaming about her own wedding, finally stands up for what she wants and for her happiness. Yes, I was able to relate to Jane. I'm not a do-gooder like her, but I am always a hopeless romantic: always daydreaming about my own wedding and marriage, always in love with weddings, always teary-eyed after reading a romance novel or watching a romantic movie, and always weaving a love story that could be mine. Although I don't have a collection of bridesmaid's dresses, I was able to say, "Hey, that girl is me." - at an exaggerated level, of course.

Believe me, I tried so much to change my perspective on love and falling in love. But I've never changed. Maybe this perspective makes me who I really am. Maybe I just have to wait.

I just hope I don't have to wait until I turn 30 though...

I watched this movie last Tuesday with a colleague. The story was just simple and predictable- a girl who never said no to a request from her friends and family and who was always daydreaming about her own wedding, finally stands up for what she wants and for her happiness. Yes, I was able to relate to Jane. I'm not a do-gooder like her, but I am always a hopeless romantic: always daydreaming about my own wedding and marriage, always in love with weddings, always teary-eyed after reading a romance novel or watching a romantic movie, and always weaving a love story that could be mine. Although I don't have a collection of bridesmaid's dresses, I was able to say, "Hey, that girl is me." - at an exaggerated level, of course.

Believe me, I tried so much to change my perspective on love and falling in love. But I've never changed. Maybe this perspective makes me who I really am. Maybe I just have to wait.

I just hope I don't have to wait until I turn 30 though...

I was supposed to go to Tagaytay last night to celebrate my birthday. But the friend who will take me there suddenly said that he couldn't because his grandma was rushed to the hospital.

Now, everything is just like an ordinary weekend. It seems that there's nothing on Tuesday. 

I was supposed to go to Tagaytay last night to celebrate my birthday. But the friend who will take me there suddenly said that he couldn't because his grandma was rushed to the hospital.

Now, everything is just like an ordinary weekend. It seems that there's nothing on Tuesday. 

Since I returned from my Christmas vacation, I feel like I don't have life outside work. When I wake up, I go straight to work. When I get out of the office, I go straight home.

When I'm in the pensive mood, I often get irritated by how life is. Before, I refused a marriage proposal because I thought I was still young and there are a lot of things that could happen to my life. Now, I'm almost 25 and finding it hard to settle down. I have friends who vowed never to get married and just get herself pregnant to have a baby. But now, she's married and she doesn't have a kid yet. And I, who dreamt of having my own family, am still very much single and only had 1 serious relationship ever. The exes are coming back now but they didn't come back when I wanted them to.

Grrr... Is this what they call the midlife crisis?

Since I returned from my Christmas vacation, I feel like I don't have life outside work. When I wake up, I go straight to work. When I get out of the office, I go straight home.

When I'm in the pensive mood, I often get irritated by how life is. Before, I refused a marriage proposal because I thought I was still young and there are a lot of things that could happen to my life. Now, I'm almost 25 and finding it hard to settle down. I have friends who vowed never to get married and just get herself pregnant to have a baby. But now, she's married and she doesn't have a kid yet. And I, who dreamt of having my own family, am still very much single and only had 1 serious relationship ever. The exes are coming back now but they didn't come back when I wanted them to.

Grrr... Is this what they call the midlife crisis?

About 2 months from know, I will be turning 25 years old. 25 is a scary age for me. It means that you just have 5 years more to be 30; 5 years is just a very short time.

I may have become a trainer at the age of 24 (and that's still young), and I may be happy with my life now, but there's something that I still failed to do. And that is to have a single relationship that I can be proud of. I never had a normal loving relationship, not even once. All relationships I had either started out wrong and ended wrong or could be considered inexistent.

My very first boyfriend was from Davao whom I've never seen in person. I had a boyfriend who disappeared after we became an item. I had another who was hated by my friends and family and who left me for another girl. I had one who only meets me once or twice a month, and I didn't even get to know any of his friends and family members.

I'm worried. I'm going to be 25 soon an yet I still haven't experienced how it is to be a normal girlfriend. Yes, I want that. I want to go shopping with a boyfriend, watch movies with him, have dinner with his family, have a drink with his friends and see him more than once in a week.

I want to be normal.

i just arrived from rendering overtime during my rest day. this was because of a training for development. when philip, the trainer for this course, asked me if it's okay with me to also work on a saturday, i was too eager to join. he said that i could have that training every after shift but i chose the saturday. i wasn't really thinking of the additional pay. and not about my career development either. i was thinking that i don't have anything better to do. what a life! (Or the lack of it?)

before, i usually get excited about the weekend. these past few months, i'd actually prefer to go to work.

now, i'm home. still, i can't find anything to do or somewhere to go. nobody has called. nobody has sent me an sms. is this the part when i have to wonder if i look that bad? well, thinking about it, i'm already fed up with dates. i've already realized that it's better for me to stay home than waste my time with the wrong person. i wish so much to have that permanent person now.

why are fear and insecurity getting ahead of me? I was supposed to go out alone last night. Maybe have a beer in a dance bar or somewhere. I've first planned to go to Alchemy. I even planned what to wear.

But last night, I realized how much of a coward I am. I can't go alone. My body is just refusing to go and get ready. So I ended up sleeping the night away. If I could only hit myself... I don't know what happened to my plan of "rewarding myself".

Today, I'm planning to go to the mall. I've already thought of bringing my 2 pairs of shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired. Then, probably it would be good to watch Transformers. I also have to do my grocery. I already ran out of shampoo and deodorant. Then I've thought of having a bottle of beer in Gerry's Grill.

Plans, plans, plans... But can I do them? -Alone. I am a coward. I know, I'd end up turning round and round in Market Market because I can't decide where to go or what to do.

i was supposed to render an hour of pre-shift overtime today but i was too lazy again to get up from my bed. so the 1 hour OT decreased to 30 minutes OT.

my life has been boring again these past few weeks. from work, i go home. i, then, either watch a movie with a dvd i bought from guadalupe, or read a mushy tagalog novel. sounds like a routine of a spinster huh? maybe that's the road that i'm involuntarily taking. being a spinster. and that could be a very surprising route in the eyes of my friends and people who know me. my college friends even expected me to be the first one who will get married in our circle. shockingly, two of my friends got married (of course, before I do). one of them even said that she won't get married and she would just have herself impregnated. but that was, of course, when we were a lot younger.

perhaps, i am still young. hehehe... i would want to enjoy movies, 'baduy' novels and being alone. maybe it's more fun to be bored alone that to be bored with someone.

it's already easter sunday but i haven't been to the church since... i don't remember. i know i should but i haven't felt religious the past few months. i know, it isn't supposed to be just a 'feeling'. it's supposed to be your duty to thank the person up there. there shouldn't be an excuse. i don't have one. so, let's not talk about it.

peejee, one of the few friends i have, had already said her marriage vows in front of a judge recently. lizzie, another friend, went to the states last year and got married there. good for them. in a woman's life, we are already at the marrying age anyway.

however, when i think about marriage in my life, it's somewhat like an unreachable dream. it's not like an alien situation or a strange event for me since my mom is a wedding coordinator. i've been to a lot of weddings, i've tried a lot of bridal gowns, i've read a lot of vows, and i've eaten wedding cakes of different flavors. it's just that 'marriage' is something that's so near yet so far in my life. so near because it has always been a part of my life. so far because it's never me at the altar. perhaps, the husband-to-be is still missing. hahaha!

you might smell desperation. maybe i am? or maybe it's just a tinge of wonder that people normally have. but then again, maybe i'm just envious.

1. although i get hyperacidity everytime i drink coffee, i still consume coffee because of conversations.

2. my friends started calling me 'amor' because of the term 'amorous' in our humanities II class. 'amorous' describes me, they said.

3. my mobile phone has been with me for more that 3 years and i haven't paid for it since it was free through globe.

4. whenever i see a couple who are very sweet to each other, my mind would automatically imagine them having sex. and then i laugh privately at the thought. 

5. i've never had a real suitor, ever.

6. i've never received flowers or chocolates or anything during valentine's day.

7. i'm allergic to dogs. whenever a dog is near to me for a time, i'd get itches all over my body.

8. i put gravy over my rice whenever i eat in KFC and my favorite food in kfc is their mushroom soup.

9. i still play online games like tantra.

10. i've fallen in love a few times with persons i haven't yet seen.

11. i get dumbfounded when a person would ask, "what kind of music do you listen to?" i have this general idea that all people are music lovers. they just differ with the kind of music they like. but i don't usually listen to music, and i find that weird.

12. my favorite color is red.

13. i had my first crush when i was in kinder and i still remember their names. one was my childhood sweetheart, joel james bacayo. the other one was norimark contreras.

14. i write when i'm naked.

15. i still owe my credit card company a big amount of money. hehehe

jeez... i just arrived last night from cebu. and right now, i'm playing the role of the damsel in distress. i don't know where to go, where to stay, what to do, how to start. can i just bang my head on the wall?

and i'm definitely missing my kid and my home...

happy birthday kishni.

happy birthday kishni.

happy birthday, happy birthday.

happy birthday to you...

i'm crazy, i know. i wish somebody would bring me to a psychiatrist. this was just last night. and the memory is still fresh. it didn't hurt really. it's actually addictive. every time i slice, somehow i forget the pain that i feel inside. every cut helps me breathe fully. every cut makes me smile. bitterly, i suppose.

they said i'm strong. they said i could make it. they said i'll be okay. do you think the same?

How should a person who has only P20 in her pocket feel? People around her would say, "Don't lose hope. You can find a part-time job and then keep up." Others would say, "Yeah, that sucks. Why are you in that situation? you have a job, right?" And after you explain to them what happened, they just tell you to hang on until payday comes or until help comes. Hang on? How can you hang on to P20? How can you do that when your problem is how you can eat and survive?

Of course, a person is greatful for all the advices. But she can never eat those advices. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.

Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.

Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.

Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?